memoriam, sister

For My Sister

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Today you would have turned 31, but death cut you off at 29. Your last words still ring in my ears:

Promise me that you’ll publish it–that you’ll publish all of it.

I promised then and I promise it again now because you asked it off me. I will publish it–all of it. I had hoped to unleash the first installment of Sarn’s story as an ebook today, as a birthday present to you.

I’m sorry sis. I tried. I have too much to do yet and I still have to go to work tomorrow. No, don’t shake your head. Don’t be cross. There are filter words, forms of the verbs ‘to be’ and ‘can’, and so much to edit. There’s the Chicago Manual of Style the sixteenth edition that I need to finish reading. I–ah–also have a few scenes left to write.

Wait, repeat that. I didn’t catch everything you said. Why do I need to read the Chicago Manual of Style? I want to know the standard against which my grammar will be judged. Everything I have read about publishing and copyediting recommends that I read through the parts of that book that apply to what I’m doing. Besides, it makes great bedtime reading. After a few pages, I’m out cold.

Why are there missing scenes? You did tell me to change the beginning…So I did. It just took me a while to do it. After you died, I just couldn’t write. All I could do was reread what I had already written and wonder how the hell I had written something so good.

Then dad had a hemorrhagic stroke on Father’s day. I spent two months commuting to the hospital every day to sit with him and give my mom a break. That one event put everything into perspective for me. I could die tomorrow and your last request would go unfulfilled.

I keep my promises sis. It might take me awhile to make good on them but I always do. Once dad traded the hospital for home, I sat down and rewrote the beginning and it turned into a novella-length story. I let it. After all, it showcased the 800 pound enchanted tree in the room. Then I started this blog.

This site is the first step towards keeping that promise. As long as I am breathing, I will keep the course you set for me.

You can’t talk about where you are right now and that’s ok.  I hope your struggles and your pain ended with your life. I pray they didn’t carry over into what follows. You deserve sunshine and butterflies, and warm sand under your toes.

Please don’t go yet. There’s still so much to say. So much always goes unsaid and it will stay unspoken because you’re receding now. Fading into the blue walls of my studio, you left the echo of your last request behind. An echo of a promise that must be kept and will be.

***

She’s gone now and I’m alone with my draft, my copy of the Chicago Manual of Style and my list of things to be edited and written. Her birthday has come and gone and I still have no gift to give.

The click of the keys replaces the echoes of her last request for a time. But her words will resound when I open the door to head out to work in the morning. They give me pause but my mortgage pushes me out the door.

Her words are never gone for long. My promise is ever before me. And I have kept one other promise today, I put you in my story sis, just as you asked.

❤ RIP Carolyn Kucsera, September 27, 1984 – February 22, 2014 ❤

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30 thoughts on “For My Sister”

  1. I noticed you haven’t posted anything yet and so I take some turns around your lovely blog and found this. I am speechless dear. The pain the love between the two of you is so much alive. ❤ ❤ ❤ I know you made her proud. 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂 I miss her. I’m working on the ultimate birthday present–publishing Curse Breaker: Enchanted to kindle on or before her September 27th birthday. I hope to publish the sequel Curse Breaker: Faceted (which I wrote before the first book) around Christmas, then the third book, (title still TBD) which I wrote before Books 1 &2 (noticing a pattern here?) around my march birthday in 2017 and then if my luck holds, The Lord of the Sea or Quest in June 2017. Not sure what I’ll publish for Sept 2017. Maybe Curse Breaker: Trapped Who knows?

      I accidentally scheduled today’s post for 12 pm instead of 12 am. I woke up, noticed my mistake and published it out immediately. Sorry about that!

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      1. Ooooooh!! YOu surely have your plans laid, Mel! WOW! I should copy your diligence! 🙂 🙂 🙂
        Again, I am sure she is so proud of the lady and the writer you have become, my dear friend. 🙂

        It’s okay. I will read it soon. 🙂 I am just worried that something happened to you. I can sense you are somehow fine? 🙂 ❤

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        1. Thank you 🙂 your heartfelt words mean a lot to me. Let’s hope I can make this happen. I’m ok; today was very stressful and I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather and a bit blue. But writing always makes me smile. So I’m ok. Thank you for asking 🙂

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                    1. Thank you 🙂 I’m also taking the time to get organized. I work so much that my apartment has gotten a bit cluttered. I’m so tired when I get home that putting stuff away is not a priority.

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                    7. It’s kind of summer here. We had warmer weather for a week. Today its cool and rainy, same for much of the weekend. Oh well, it’s good for my flowers. Sure I’ll take a pic and pass it on when the rain stops. 🙂

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                    9. he did 🙂 It’s a sunny day today, but I am also working. Oh well. I wave to the sun from the windows in my office building. (I don’t have an office of my own; I occupy a cubicle in the middle of the IT department.)

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  2. This is so deeply moving, so full of love and loss. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. And, even publishing what you’ve published here is a start. Your sister would be happy to know you’ve begun that process. Forget about The Chicago Manual of Style. You write well, and expressively. There are editors and beta readers to take care of errors of grammar, punctuation, and the like.

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      1. Write from your hearts, from your guts. Then, worry about the grammar and the spelling and all that. Those are easily fixed. It’s the flow of writing that needs to be caught and harnessed as it passes us by! Then, ride the wave! 🙂

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  3. Wow, this is so powerful, thank you for sharing and keep on – it is a marathon, not a sprint but i trust you will get there in your time and be able to honour your sister well – i doubt she would want you to stress or be anxious about it, but just to keep plodding on… that day will come

    love brett fish

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